ya dads aren't the best wingmen
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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