she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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