The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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