I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
