uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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