I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It's official drugs can't kill me
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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