The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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