Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
