Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
