I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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