if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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