I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
