GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
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