When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
