If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
