my phone needs a breathalizer
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
