We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
