I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
