My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
how does that bad decision feel?
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