i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
