there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
