I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
