I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
did i walk over a car last night?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
