I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
