I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I booty called her while she was in labor.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
