found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
