I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
