Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
