Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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