He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
