the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
