Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
