Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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