she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Randomize
