I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
i believe in u and ur pee
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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