I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
