I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
