Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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