I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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