i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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