He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
