then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
