so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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