85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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