R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
