Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
