Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
