the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
only if we run a train.
done.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
