I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
