remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
